The day I almost became a pro soccer player (or experienced the best scam possible)

Since I moved to NY and got my brand new NY area-code phone number, I think I’ve received at least one scam call a week.  Sometimes I hang up immediately. And sometimes, when I don’t have anything better to do, I actually listen to the things they have to say.

And I gotta say…

Scam artists are geniuses!

But today everything changed.

Hands down, I’ve received the best scam call ever.

So, cue the memory flashback sound effect and let me start with my story:

It was 10 or so in the morning. I was sitting down at my desk pretending to update some copy comments from last night. I was sharing with my ACD the next Stephen King movie he should watch when my phone started to ring. The number identified as being from Newark, New Jersey.

I was perplexed. I’m so unpopular, I receive fewer calls than a cow with a cellphone.

So I picked it up.

Immediately, someone called me by my name and started inviting me to what could easily be one of my childhood dreams. Play for a professional soccer team. Well… kind of a professional team. It was for the NY Red Bulls, who play in the MLS, which isn’t considered a real pro league (sorry, Red Bulls fans).

At first, I couldn’t believe my luck. Finally, I was being recognized for my talent to trip myself while dribbling the ball. And I knew that some MLS teams pay so little that often have players with side gigs.

Then, the questions started. How did they get my number? Maybe my old coach, who probably don’t remember me recommended me. Maybe they knew Mexicans kinda play good, so they’re calling every Mexican they could. Maybe, just maybe, they realized I have a dormant Messi-like talent nobody (not even me) knew about.

There I was, picturing me, in all my glory, wearing the red-white Adidas kit. The number 15 cradling my surname, while every fan at the Red Bull arena shouting my nickname.

And then, it hit me

This might be a scam…

…or a plot to get me killed.

So while I was trying way too hard not to shit my pants, I politely told them I wasn’t interested and hung up.

And that was it. Cool story, bro.

But, if this was a real call and any of the Red Bulls scouts is reading this, I have something to say.

I’M IN! I WANNA PLAY FOR YOU GUYS!

 

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Procrastination (or the post that took 7 months to write)

Yes, you’re not reading it wrong. It took me seven months to write this f****ng post.

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As much as I’d like to blame my lack of posting to my new job, my trips to renew/get a new work visa, the holidays, a nighttime shift, charitable charity, a sports league I joined but never went to a game, an Instagram-worthy social life, failed business ventures, food comas, global warming, modeling gigs, stunt double duties, being mistaken for a famous person, exploding phones, Exploding Kittens or even trying to win the Lotto jackpot—the truth is I didn’t write a post because I was procrastinating the shit out of it.

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I swear I even had at least ten good topics I could write about (and by ten I mean I had between 0 and 2).

So, when I saw a fellow writer documenting her trip to the other side of the world, her 30-day journey to learn how to draw, and a few other posts she wrote after that, I forced myself to write this.

So let’s talk a little about PROCRASTINATION

Look, I was gonna do some deep research about its origins, causes, if there’s an actual medical condition associated with it, but honestly, I would end up procrastinating that too. So, ya’ll end up with the next best thing: a Wikipedia article! (come on, click it, you know you want to).

So much winning!

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Next, I spent a couple more days procrastinating.

And then, as the truly great creative I am, I went to Giphy.com to find the GIFs I needed and finish this post 10 minutes before my next meeting.

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I even got a guest writer to help me, but she procrastinated too and this is the only thing she could come up with:

Sopenis by Alice X.

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A post about nothing (or something)

There I was, coming back from a morning run, ready to get into the shower when my mind started spinning. Ideating. Creating. I don’t know how to describe what was happening to me, but between suds and weird shampoo hairstyles I was on fire! Idea fire!

That’s the life of the creative, always thinking about the next big thing (or the next bad joke) while doing the most brainless thing possible. In my case, the idea was to write a blog post about nothing.

Why nothing?

Because it’s more challenging than writing a post about something.

Sure, I can definitely talk about politics, but everyone is talking about it so much that it stopped being funny and insightful at all.

(Full disclosure: I’m totally against the radioactive orange)

I could talk about news in the ad business, but most of them have been covered by AdAge, AdWeek, AgencySpy, etc.

(The only thing I’ll say is: I’m glad that the gender and diversity problem it has is being addressed and noticed by everybody)

Maybe I could talk about the script for the SuperBowl ad I’m hoping to make.

Or maybe I can finish this post as it is and I’ll have completed my mission. A post about nothing (or something).